Notes from the Studio: April

FIVE DAYS LATE but it doesn't matter, does it!?

Hey pals,

How was April for all of you? We finally got some ‘actual sunshine’ over here in the UK, hurrah! I made some progress in April and also hit some walls, and am back into ‘recalibration mode’. This seems to be a bit of a cycle. I’m not sure if it’s one I can break either, as it may literally be how life works? Or….I do not to work on it so that I don’t hit the wall so hard each time? Hmmm.

I finally delivered my production music album which feels good. The deliverables took several days, creating cutdowns, alt versions, naming, exporting, checking, realising some of them had the wrong sample rate, screaming into a pillow, crying a bit because of course, going back in, re-editing projects, re-making cutdowns and alt versions, exporting again, re-checking. Yikes. It’s been a steep learning curve, but a very valuable one, and I’ve sensibly made myself a proper "process sheet for next time” which I’m very proud of myself for because that feels very organised and not at all like me.

Alongside all that, I’ve been slowly writing songs for the musical I’m working on. I’ve not given it anywhere near enough time so that will be a focus for May. It deserves proper care and attention!

April also held my birthday, I turned 42. I wrote about it more fully here, but it brought up a lot. I spent the day before in a slightly catatonic state, crying a lot (I was also luteal, let’s be clear). But also just…man, birthdays feel different now. I used to love getting dressed up and going dancing and nursing my hangover with a big breakfast the next day. But now they’re just…years passing with grief. We’re quick to shut women down on that: “be grateful you get to age” (very valid, and I am grateful for my life), “ageing is ‘beautiful’” (ha ha haaaaaaa NOPE, until every magazine or film has a woman in her 40s with grey roots and wrinkles seriously stop spouting that crap, it’s insulting. When nobody in entertainment has Botox or fillers or hair extensions or facelifts, then fine, you can tell me ageing is beautiful. Until then it’s a lie!). I think living in the contradiction of knowing ageing is a privilege and that women are becoming more wise, powerful, and actually yes - deeply beautiful - with age, and holding that knowing in a world that tells women none of that matters, inject your face, tighten up, dye your roots, aim to look 25 with you’re 45, ew not laughter lines, ew not a face that moves, ew not like…looking older cos you’re older. EW! It’s hard to live inside both of those realities at once and stay sane.

The other part of it is the grief that comes up with yet another year passing is the ol’ bucket list getting longer and further away. Still not seen the Northern Lights or stood on the Belize Salt Flats as dusk. Still not making a living from music. (mmm, not making a living from anything, let’s be honest). Still carrying ‘baby weight’ (not baby weight, ice-cream weight), I swore I’d lose four years ago. Again, all VERY silly ‘problems’, I know. But they do sort of come to the surface around birthdays and January 1st.

Life with the kids has been… full (insert melting face emoji). Hectic, loud, triggering, often overwhelming. A fair bit of solo parenting lately, which always shifts (destroys) the balance of everything else. The constant juggling act of trying to make space for creative work inside of real life continues!

I also worked on a cover for MAD Records’ Run For Cover, which I might share in a future post. There’s that familiar tension there of wanting to be seen in the process of, but also wanting to hide something until it feels fully “ready”. I’m sure its probably all just fear pretending to be self-preservation though, eh?

Which brings me to something I’ve been realising too, if this is a newsletter about my music, I need to actually share more music in it?! Not just the thoughts around it, or the process, or the life that surrounds it, but my work itself. Must stop overthinking it all.

What I ‘achieved’ in April

• Achieved above-average mothering to the kids. I think/hope.

• Finished and delivered my library music album.

• Continued to drag myself to gym, not massively consistently, but, I went.

• Started producing some tracks for a new personal project

• Deleted instagram from my phone and started leaving it upstairs while I’m downstairs with my kids. Yes, this is an achievement.

What I didn’t follow through on

• Didn’t finish or release a song at all

• Still did not list myself as a musician on any musician-for-hire platforms (scared)

Lessons from April

• I categorically need to say ‘no’ more, even to myself. I have a really problem with what I think I can do in a day/week/month, and what I can actually do (around 1/3 of it)

• I need to walk more

May goals

1. Reach out to more production music houses and see if I can create some more tracks (eek!)

2. Record one of my new songs and RELEASE IT

3. Gym three times a week (consistency is key, right?!)

Art/Artists I’ve enjoyed this month

Katherine Priddy

Um, so what rock have I been hiding under where I only just found this woman? I have been spending a lot more time on Bandcamp lately (Spotify is just AI slop, major labels and payola these days, sorry) and on one of my days listening through various genres I found this artist. My gosh her recent album is amazing. The opening track alone, ‘Matches’, is worth a listen. The chilling final lyric in the chorus had me in goosebumps “They weren’t burning witches, it was women on those fires”.

REA

Also discovered on Bandcamp, I just find her voice so soothing and her music is beautiful. It’s so intimately recorded, and I love her use recording outside sounds, it feels like I’m in the same space with her.

The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath

I know, I know, it’s a cliche. But I’ve never sat down and actually read the whole thing start to finish, despite having it on my bookshelf and knowing various quotes. And I wanted to do that, so I’ve been reading it and processing all sorts of thoughts about Sylvia’s life, her inner world, her artistry, her experience of marriage and motherhood….I think most women who are either mothers, artists, or both, will always feel drawn to her work.

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How was April for you? What was your highlight, or lesson? What are your goals for May? I’d really love to know!